How to Tell the Truth About Love


Published:

Holistic counselor Trish Whynot answers Why Me? Why Now? Why Not? in her new page turner on everyday enlightenment.

I used to be one of those people who would be quick to tell you that something didn’t bother me when deep down inside it did. That was how I had learned to cope. I was even proud of how I had mastered this version of pridefulness. But it was this dishonest methodology that led to my health problems, relationship discord and financial challenges.

We are in a relationship with everything — with people, with our health and even with our finances. Experience is our teacher. When the fruit of our labors is health, relationship or financial discord, it is a heads-up that we may have encountered an insane coping skill such as pridefulness. Insane, because it is incapable of providing us with the results our hearts are seeking.

“You cannot evaluate an insane belief system from within it,” states the Foundation for Inner Peace's edition of A Course in Miracles. Truths about love are tucked away in memories from our childhood. Redeeming these truths transforms us from victim to visionary.

A Tale of Two Dads

Annalee was a month shy of seven and learning to ride a two-wheeler on the street where Uncle James lived. “I should already be riding a two-wheeler,” Annalee was thinking. All her friends were. She had been begging her dad to teach her for months.

This day was actually her uncle’s idea. Taylor Street was flat and Annalee lived on a hill so it made sense to learn here. Uncle James was there with his daughter, Peggy, and Anna was with her dad. Annalee was six months older than Peggy, a year older in school, and a head taller.

Peggy was already mastering the whole bike thing, but Annalee was struggling. “My bike is too big for me,” Anna pouted. Her parents had bought her one that she would grow into, but that didn’t help her at all with her learning. Peggy’s bike was just her size, just what she needed.

Annalee secretly wished that Uncle James were her dad. There were many days that this secret wish haunted her. Uncle James was a cool dad. He did things with his kids. You could tell that he really enjoyed them and he enjoyed Annalee. She could feel it in her heart.

After another failed attempt at riding, disgusted with her dad and fuming at God, Anna silently demanded of Him, “Why me? What did I do to deserve this dad?” It felt as though her dad was always wishing she’d hurry and grow up already, as the bigger bike implied. Annalee wasn’t having fun or feeling enjoyed, but Dad put on a good show that day on Taylor Street just as he always did.

Forty years later Annalee recounts this memory and sees the contrast between authentic love and synthetic love. Authentic love is like a beam of light that comes from within and radiates outward, warming the hearts of those in its path. Uncle James had loved her authentically, enjoyed his time with her and warmed her with his glow.

There was no warmth from her own dad on that day. There was no authentic love that accompanied doing a fatherly duty to uphold a fatherly image because it was a pursuit to be in the spotlight rather than the source of the beam. That was synthetic love — it looked like love but it didn’t feel like love.

Is It Loving Or Is It Selfish?

I thought the difference between being loving and being selfish was obvious. Aren’t they opposites? Well, they may actually be the opposite of what you think. Learned behaviors and beliefs about love modeled during childhood become our love habits as adults, so what you have been practicing may warrant a second glance.

When I laid my beliefs out on the table for reevaluation, some of them made no sense. Some of what I was practicing as love created frustration for me.

How could love create frustration?

I didn’t think it could, so I dedicated a period of time to reevaluating and redefining my definition of love. If peace of mind, integrity and authenticity are virtues you seek, I urge you to undertake such a reevaluation yourself.

We all enter this world with a longing to love and be loved; the means to this end is where it gets confusing. Genuinely loving thoughts, words and deeds, must come from a place that is pure-of-heart. Pure-of-heart as in absent-of-fear. It takes openness, brutal honesty and a willingness to consume lots of humble pie in order to distinguish what is loving from what is selfishness.

Some religions and societies profess that it is noble and saintly, indeed loving, to put one’s self last. In an effort to mimic saints who came from a loving place that was pure-of-heart, many have misguidedly resorted to manipulative and controlling tactics with selfish motives. Actions that can appear honorable and noble on the surface can conceal fear-based intentions beneath. When the intentions match the actions it is love. “As above, so below” you might say.

When someone asks a favor of us and we comply, even though we are already spread too thin, what we feel is not aligned with what we do. “As above is not so below.”

Would you want to be on the receiving end of someone’s help if you knew it meant that they had to suffer to be there for you? Probably not. Suffering doesn’t prove that someone loves us. And it isn’t even necessary.

Suffering more likely indicates:

• a fear of the consequences of saying “no.”

• a desire to monopolize the attention, admiration or sympathy of those they profess to be helping.

• an inflated sense of self-importance — a false belief that they are indispensable.

• a lack of faith and trust that there is someone else who will step up in their absence.

These kinds of behaviors are actually selfish because they are born of fear and block out divine intervention.

The selfish-of-heart have a strong desire to love and be loved, but have been misguided. They don't understand the process and can be destructive and even arrogant in their refusal to own their motivations. You can give someone the shirt off your back as long as it doesn’t cause harm anywhere else.

If you will freeze or have to ask someone else for their shirt, are you really helping anyone?

Hidden Love Agendas

Fear-based motivations promote intentions that are selfish rather than loving. They include fear of not being loved for being honest, fear of what others will think and fear of going to hell. Ironically, when selfish-of-heart we expend a lot more energy in our attempts to get others to believe that we are pure-of-heart, than those who are pure-of-heart spend on being loving.

When fearful we manipulate. We try to earn love rather than express love; we attempt to prove that we love rather than trust in the power of love. When tactics fail to produce a desired outcome it leaves us frustrated. Authentic love does not create frustration, so when we find ourselves frustrated because someone does not appreciate our loving efforts, it is likely we were manipulating rather than loving. When pure-of-heart we have nothing to prove, nothing to hide, and no need to defend or justify, only a desire to love and be honest.

If we are too busy to be there for someone when their life is going well, but would be there in a heartbeat if they were in crisis, our motives may be worth reexamining.

Would you want a person like that near you during a time of need?

The selfish want to be there for us if they can benefit in some way, so an opportunity to be a hero is enticing. When we are feeling undervalued we are in need, so it would be more loving to address our own issues than to go on a help mission to feed our lack of self-worth with someone else’s misfortune. People sometimes use their misfortune to get attention. That is selfish too.

The key is that being compassionate with someone out of love carries no strings. Being there for someone out of fear or need — to assure they are in our debt in case we need a favor down the road, or to be able to play the role of hero — carries strings (hidden agendas). This is a love tainted with insecurities (fears) at best. True love cannot be earned, or bought.

Sometimes we can genuinely be loving and sometimes we can’t. When we can’t it is time to purify our hearts by taking responsibility for the reasons that are preventing or blocking our ability to love. Healing in its truest sense involves changing some of our deepest and most basic limiting attitudes about love.

Adapted from Why Me? Why Now? Why Not? by Trish Whynot. ©2012 Patricia Whynot. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Trish Whynot, D.C.Ed, is a holistic counselor, Doctor of Core Education, speaker and writer with a private counseling practice in Middleton, MA. She enjoys the outdoors, art, books, photography and the seasons with her family, friends and pets. Visit www.TrishWhynot.com or call (978) 314-4545.

Edit Module
Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit Module Edit ModuleShow Tags

Daily Astrology

February 20, 2020

The first third of today is dominated by the union of the Capricorn Moon, Jupiter, Saturn and Pluto. These planets have not all been gathered in the Sign of the Goat since 1284, seven hundred and thirty-six years ago! Indeed, we are now granted an…
Edit ModuleShow Tags

Alternative Health Directory

Browse all listings »

Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags

Calendar

February 2020

Come shine with us! Join us in harmony and in our goal to bring the light of Spiritualism forward to all those who are searching.

Where:
VFW Post 2597
775 Boston Rd, Rt 3A
Billerica, MA
View map »


Sponsor: The Spiritualist Fellowship Church Of New England
Website »

More information

January 19th, February 16th, March 8th by appointment only. Kinetic Chain Release (KCR) to balance body, resolve leg length discrepancies, reduce back, shoulder, knee, hip pain and reduce stress...

Cost: $65 to $145

Where:
Leapin' Lizards
449 Forest Ave
Portland, ME  04101
View map »


Sponsor: Leapin' Lizards
Telephone: 207-221-2363
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

With Anna DeWitte Mondays—starts 1/27 Our next new class! Join Anna (one of our recent grads) for her mild heat class! The temperature will hover around 80 degrees which helps to loosen...

Cost: $17

Where:
State of Grace Yoga & Wellness Center
104 East Hartford Ave.
Uxbridge, MA  01569
View map »


Sponsor: State of Grace Yoga and Wellness Center
Telephone: 508-278-2818
Website »

More information

Discover Beauty. Discover Goodness. Discover Yourself. Your soul’s gifts are waiting. Breathe. Find stillness. The spark you need to ignite your life is here, within. Max Meditation...

Cost: $15

Where:
Modern Mystery School Boston
132 Charles St
3rd Floor
Auburndale, MA  02466
View map »


Sponsor: Modern Mystery School Boston
Telephone: 617-694-0994
Contact Name: Jordan Bain
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Automatic & Channel Writing — Class 1 of 3 Discussion of channel writing and then spending the rest of the class practicing writing. Getting comfortable writing either with paper and...

Cost: At door $20; online reg. $15

Where:
The Healing Power of Flowers — Heaven and Earth
68 Stiles Rd, Unit A
Salem, NH  03079
View map »


Sponsor: The Healing Power of Flowers - Heaven and Earth
Telephone: 603-275-7688
Contact Name: Stacey
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

In celebration of Pediatric Dentistry Month and recognizing children’s oral health as a foundation for life-long health, join us for a free, fun and informational evening about how holistic...

Cost: Free

Where:
The BioMed Center New England
111 Chestnut Street
Ste 1
Providence, RI  02903
View map »


Sponsor: The BioMed Center New England
Telephone: 833-8BIOMED
Contact Name: Admin Desk
Website »

More information

Free Workshop: What happens to the marital home in divorce? Join us for this timely seminar led by Attorney Beth Aarons, Realtor Sky Minckler, and Mortgage Consultant Craig Tashjian as they...

Cost: Free

Where:
Skylark Law & Mediation, PC
9 Main Street
Southborough, MA  01772
View map »


Sponsor: Vesta: Redefining Divorce
Telephone: 508-744-6014
Contact Name: Deanna Coyle
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

Are you considering, going through or recovering from divorce? Join us at our FREE Daytime Divorce Boot Camp, and we’ll help you get into shape! In response to requests from people who...

Cost: Free

Where:
Fairway Independent Mortgage Corporation
180 Wells Avenue
Suite 300
Newton, MA  02459
View map »


Sponsor: Vesta: Redefining Divorce
Telephone: 508-744-6014
Contact Name: Deanna Coyle
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

"Master your breath, let the self be in bliss, contemplate on the sublime within you.” —Krishnamacharya Join us for an evening of deep exploration and transformation using the...

Cost: $40

Where:
Friends Meeting House
5 Longfellow Park
Cambridge, MA  02138
View map »


Sponsor: Allen Howell, M.Ed. LMHC
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

February 22nd & 23rd Deepen your knowledge and practice of Reiki. Facilitated by Lou Orsan, Reiki Shihan (Master-Teacher) This two-day Level II Training enhances...

Cost: $250

Where:
Northeast Reiki Center
61 Nicholas Road, Suite B2
Framingham, MA  01701
View map »


Sponsor: Northeast Reiki Center
Telephone: 508-808-5696
Contact Name: Lou Orsan
Website »

More information

Get a personal teaching for Brother Granite's new Visionary Shamanism Tarot. This class includes the new Visionary Shamanism Tarot deck as well a 90 minute one on one class with Brother Granite...

Cost: $80

Where:
407 Deans Plaza
407 Rte 44
The Enchanted Forest Taunton
Raynham, MA  02767
View map »


Sponsor: Brother Granite
Telephone: 774-208-6195
Contact Name: Granite
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...
Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit Module Edit ModuleShow Tags