Engage Your Rage: Transforming Anger

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Not many people claim anger as their favorite emotion. Most of us try to stuff it, shout it out, ignore it or give it away like a hot potato. Many people try to talk themselves out of anger or engage only their intellect to manage its impact. However, unhealthy anger not only affects your emotional and mental heath, but your physical and spiritual health as well. Because anger can be rooted and expressed in so many different ways in our lives, using a mind/body/spirit approach towards exploring and working with this challenging emotion is most successful.

Ways To Work With Anger

PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BODY. Sometimes the cause of anger is purely physical — you’re hungry, tired or overworked. Take care of the need to eat, take a nap, take a break, and you will feel better. Paying attention to your body will help you recognize when these basic needs are the problem.

SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY. Often, feeling angry stems from someone doing something that hurts you, such a co-worker taking credit for work you’ve done or a friend gossiping about you to someone else. Perhaps your partner has left a mess all over the house (again!) or your sister is thirty minutes late for a dinner date and hasn’t bothered to call and let you know. In these cases, it’s important to let the person know how their behavior is affecting you.

USE NON-JUDGMENTAL LANGUAGE. One of the clearest ways to express yourself is to use non-judgmental language. “When you do x, I feel y. I think z.” For example, “When you are fifteen minutes late and don’t call, I feel angry and hurt. I think that you don’t value my time at all.”

Notice the “when you” portion states a simple fact: being 15 minutes late. If you say, “When you don’t respect me…” you’re making an assumption. You don’t truly know if the person doesn’t respect you, so you need to first address the fact. What did the person do that made you think they didn’t respect you? That would be the “when you” part. Your assumption would be the “I think” part. Your feelings — angry, hurt, sad, afraid, irritated, frustrated, etc, — would be the “I feel” part.

DEFINE WHAT YOU NEED. After expressing how the person’s actions made you feel, you can go on to tell the person what you need from them. “I need for you to call me when you’ll be more than ten minutes late.” You can also provide a consequence. “If you’re more than a half hour late, I will leave.” It’s taken all your life to practice whatever unhealthy anger patterns you experience. It will take a little time to develop new, healthy patterns. Go easy on yourself and allow for mistakes!

When Communication Is Impossible

It is also helpful to acknowledge that there are times where communication with someone you are angry with is not possible. Rev. Cynthia Burke, a music director and inter-faith minister based in Rhode Island, recalls how her unhealthy anger pattern was to hide it and remain in denial. Her needs weren’t getting met and relationship issues were not being addressed, particularly in her marriage.

During a difficult time, when unable to speak with the person with whom she felt angry, Burke used her spiritual practice to express her anger, talking to the person “soul to soul” during her heart-centered meditation. This helped in both the mental and spiritual realms. For her body, Burke found expression in music — song-writing and dancing.

“I still needed to deal with my anger,” remembers Burke. “The anger energy in me needed expression, so it came out in creative ways — through music and theater. I wrote songs whose words helped me work through what I was experiencing. As the anger and other emotions were expressed, the anger became something sacred. You could call it ‘sacred anger.’”

Anger-obics Exercises

Try these fun and creative anger management tools from Good and Mad: Transform Anger Using Mind, Body, Soul and Humor by Jane Middleton-Moz, Lisa Tener and Peaco Todd. Health Communications, Inc. 2003.

Lighten Up
Here’s your chance to complain about relationships: with your kids, partner, parent(s), coworkers, friends, etc. Write each gripe, everything that makes you angry or frustrated or unhappy, on separate index cards or slips of paper.

Put all the cards or papers in a bowl. Place the bowl of gripes in a sunny spot for an entire week. Each morning notice the bowl in the daylight and imagine the golden healing light of the sun is helping to resolve each situation in some way.

At the end of the week, pick one complaint out of the bowl. Sit in a sunny spot. Close your eyes. Feel the golden healing light of the sun upon your face and give thanks for the sun and all the healing work the sun has been doing to resolve the issue.

With your inner eye, envision the piece of paper radiating with light. Hold the sheet of paper up to your heart imagining that the golden light is entering your heart now. As the light enters your heart, imagine that your feeling or perception of the situation has shifted. Allow an image to form in your mind’s eye to symbolize this change. When you are ready, open your eyes. Draw a picture of the symbol or write a story about any change that has occurred in your perception of this issue.

Salome’s Silky Scarf Dance
Find a large silk scarf or piece of light fabric. If you have the luxury of choosing, pick one that has a color that makes you think of anger. Hold the scarf in your non-dominant hand (left if you are a rightie, right if you are a leftie.) If you want, put on some “stormy” music, classical or whatever type you prefer.

Imagine the scarf personifies your anger, and you are witnessing it without judgment. Allow the scarf to move in your hand as you move or dance with your anger. Does the scarf cover your face in the beginning? Does it wave madly up and down? Does it wrap itself around your body? As you move, do you find it changing? Does it become quieter or wilder?

You don’t need to interpret with your mind. Just allow the movement to take place without judgement or ideas about what it means. Write any notes down or draw a picture of the scarf mid-dance and give it a title. Did the exercise provide any insights into your anger?

The Gifts of Anger

While anger is often an unwelcome and terrifying part of the human experience, it also offers some amazing gifts.

• Understanding our anger and communicating our needs can lead to increased intimacy, more fulfilling relationships and a greater chance that our needs will be met.
• Releasing resentment can free up our energy for healthier endeavors.
• Acknowledging and taking care of our anger can improve our health.
• Channeling our anger constructively can open up our inspiration, creativity and artistic expression.
• Anger can be a catalyst for deeper connection with our spiritual life.

Rev. Cynthia Burke’s desire to explore her anger through artistic expression became part of a larger journey, exploring emotions and the human experience through “The Dance of the Seven Veils,” a multi-cultural performance piece that takes participants and the audience through an experience of unveiling their own souls. Says Burke, “The question I kept asking about my anger was, ‘How does it serve? ‘What good can come out of this that can help the world?’ Directing my process towards service somehow felt like an important part of the exploration.” For Burke, the path of dealing with anger ended up being so much richer than what she’d expected. “I learned that there will be something about this anger work that helps somebody or some situation somehow. I don’t have to know how. I just need to trust.”

Lisa Tener is a book writing coach, author and creativity catalyst, known for helping writers easily access creative flow, free their voice, and write life-changing—and award-winning—books. Her interest in alternative healing modalities led her to develop the concept of Anger-obics, a holistic system of exercises that tap into people’s inner wisdom, creativity and sense of humor to transform unhealthy anger. Visit www.lisatener.com.

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