Why Are You So Lonely?

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A friend of mine and I were talking recently and realized that, in very different ways, we had come to the same conclusion. That conclusion? How alone and lonely so many of us are feeling, despite all the supposed ways we have to “connect” now.

She arrived at her conclusion by asking AI what people are looking for, and struggling with. I came to my conclusion after three women within a 24 hour time period spoke to me of how alone and lonely they felt. And if you extend that 24 hour time frame to 72 hours — that number went to four. All these women are in relationship, have families, friends and work connections. They are all sociable, smart, capable and spiritual women. And yet…they feel alone. And lonely.

Likely, you have heard the statistic reporting that loneliness and social isolation are as dangerous to your health as smoking, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. And hopefully, you have put it together, that despite all of the promises that have been made to us by the tech industry saying we have never been more connected, that claim has, in fact, been a lie. So, while this biologically triggering claim around connection can make us jump like nothing else can, this is a false, dangerous and deeply unsatisfying piece of propaganda to buy into.

What’s going on?

I can see there are many things at play here, and too many to get into for a short article, so instead I’ll just focus on one. The one thing I believe is the driving force behind this wave of loneliness is not knowing yourself: not who you are, not what you need, not what you really want out of life. All of this “not knowing” renders you incapable of connecting in a way that feels meaningful to you.

Because of this, you agree to things you should never say “yes” to. You pretend to care about things that really don’t matter to you. You wear a mask with others, hiding how you really feel, who you are, and what you actually want and need. All of this is a set-up for loneliness — for feeling alone in relationship or in a room full of people. For believing there is something wrong with you because you “should” be happier. More grateful. More okay. More connected.

But you’re not. And it shows in the existential experience of feeling deeply alone. Of feeling adrift without an anchor. Of feeling like you have to go it on your own.

The “fix” is not in another class, more friends on Facebook, more likes, or another way to medicate yourself or dumb yourself down enough to be with others. The fix, if you will, is in spending time with yourself. Alone. And, as Oriah Mountain Dreamer once put it, “enjoying the company you keep in the empty moments.” That long, slow, arduous, beautiful process of getting to know who you are and what you want out of life is the antidote to the loneliness epidemic. For truly, if you do not know yourself, you will always show up in relationship as a fake version of yourself. Ultimately, there can never be true connection from anything less than your most authentic self.

While getting to know yourself through the experience of being alone can feel scary or even counterintuitive to solving the loneliness problem, and while you can always find a reason not to be by yourself, the choice to intentionally, and with great love, reverence and respect for yourself, go it alone at times, is the fix for loneliness. For it is in the alone times that you find the person who is always there: yourself.

Alone time does not mean you are hiding, or just have to get away from the overwhelming experience of others. It is not an excuse to scroll away uninterrupted, nor is it an exercise in selfishness. You do this because being alone is the only place on Earth to connect to the original connection out of which all other connection arises.

Reposted with permission from Susan McNamara’s substack Medicine for the People.

Susan McNamara is a woman who cares deeply about how we are living and treating each other and the planet. For more than thirty years she has been focused on living according to what matters most to her. Her most recent book, Remembering What Matters Most: A Call to Courage for Parents Ready to Take a Stand for Childhood in The Age of Technology is now available.

Find holistic Tai Chi Practitioners in the Spirit of Change online Alternative Health Directory.

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