4 Surprising Benefits of Unsolicited Advice

Photo courtesy Carl Greer

Receiving unsolicited advice can make us defensive. However, there’s value in being patient and asking questions of ourselves and others. We might learn something important by reflecting on why we’re being given advice we didn’t ask for and why we don’t like it. Listening to advice can help even if you don’t follow it!

1. You might discover that the advice is really about the other person.

If you feel your resistance rise whenever you hear, “You need to —”, keep in mind that the other person may be coming from their own insecurity. They may fear you’ll get hurt, and they might know something about the danger inherent in your situation that you don’t see. But they also may be overestimating how risky your choice is, meaning that their advice is, essentially, “Be overly and unnecessarily cautious”!

If they seem to feel intense irritation and they give you advice that’s colored by their emotions, you might want to find out more, saying, “I’m wondering if what I said triggered some fear in you, about something you experienced or something you’re afraid might hurt me?” You might get them to recognize that their advice comes from fear that has more to do with them than with you.

For example, learning about a big purchase you’re about to make could set off someone’s worries about their own financial woes, when you can comfortably afford the item you’re planning to buy. By asking about the other person’s fears, you may discover their sensitive spots, such as that they worry a lot about money and financial security.

Having that knowledge may help you see how you can strengthen your relationship with them. For example, you could decide you’ll limit how much you share about situations and decisions you’ve made that they might find alarming because it triggers their anxiety. You might even find that the other person is willing to stop aggressively pushing unsolicited advice on you if you do this.

2. You can decide to act differently when their advice bothers you. 

Rather than getting defensive when someone’s advice annoys you, consider whether it would be helpful to ignore their tone and simply listen to what they’re suggesting, and ask about their reasoning behind the advice. Think about whether you want to ask them to keep their suggestions and opinions to themselves, and if so, in what situations? Do you want them to simply listen, and then encourage you to believe you can solve your problems independently? Or would you feel dismissed if they said, “I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m sure you’ll figure it out”? Are there conversations you’d like to avoid with certain people because those topics often lead them to lecture you?

Then too, the other person might think you’re asking for advice when you’re not. You could make it clear what you want from them when you tell them about a sticky situation you’re in or a decision you’ve made or are about to make. What if you were to talk with them about how you can best support each other when you’re worried about a decision the other is making or has made? You two could agree to say, “Have you thought about—?” or “I knew someone with that issue, and what worked for him was…” rather than scolding or judging the other person.

3. When deep down, you fear they’re right, that’s worth exploring.

 Unsolicited advice can be upsetting when somebody raises a concern that we don’t want to think about. For example, we might be lying to ourselves about how unrealistic our plans are or how hard-working, generous, or disciplined we are. Not knowing how to fix the problem, we can feel hurt when someone points it out and starts telling us what to do.

But if we mull over their advice and check in with ourselves, we might find our inner voice has something valuable to say. It could be that their advice will work for us, but it could also be that we have an even better idea for how to address our situation or modify our choice about what to do.

4. Recognize that others’ advice can be a catalyst for new ideas. 

If you explore your resistance to the advice and why it makes you so uncomfortable, you might find that you don’t want to take it but it has sparked some new ideas. So, if your spouse tells you that you should end a friendship that’s causing you stress, you might bristle at that advice because you value that friendship. However, your spouse’s advice might help you see that you should talk with that friend and set some boundaries rather than keep trying unsuccessfully to shrug off their behaviors that bother you. You might want to think about what you could say to that friend instead of dreading your next interaction.

Advice may have value for you that’s not obvious initially. That decision you made to buy something expensive? You might now become even clearer on why it is the right choice for you. Additionally, thinking again about your choice might make you realize you want to buy it earlier than planned.

By looking more closely at how you respond to people’s advice, you might discover you want to listen more carefully to their insights and ideas. Being open to advice, even if you find it irritating and don’t end up taking it, can help you gain insight into what you want and need. It can also teach you more about the people who care about you and want you to make the best decisions for yourself.

Carl Greer, PhD, PsyD, is a retired clinical psychologist and Jungian analyst, a businessman, and a shamanic practitioner, author, and philanthropist, funding over 60 charities and more than 2,000 past and current Greer scholars. He has taught at the C.G. Jung Institute of Chicago and been on staff at the Replogle Center for Counseling and Well-Being. His new book is Go Within to Change Your Life: A Hidden Wisdom Workbook for Personal Transformation. Learn more at CarlGreer.com.

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