How To Let Things Go

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Those who have the power to let things go are not at the mercy of their personal relationships. Those who have the power to let things go are able to eliminate distractions at work. Those who have the power to let things go are able to spend their days in relative ease.

Now is the time to decide what to let go of.

Especially nowadays, when we are constantly inundated with information, and when social media has made our personal relationships round-the-clock affairs, it’s impossible to respond to everything. Now more than ever, it’s imperative to be able to differentiate between what we ought to hold on to and what we ought to let go of, in order to live our lives to the fullest.

Changing Others Is Impossible; The Only Person You Have Control Over Is Yourself. First, You Change.

“My spouse never puts things back where they belong, he leaves his socks wherever he likes — he doesn’t lift a finger to clean up after himself. After all these years of marriage, he’s incorrigible, no matter how many times I ask him!”

Worrying over little things like this only makes your own life more difficult. In matters great and small, there are precious few instances when things go exactly the way you want them to. Put another way, it may be that the only time you get what you want is when it has to do with yourself.

It’s time to let go of others who are beyond your control. Better to focus on how you can change in order to make things go smoothly for yourself. And when you change, there’s always a chance that others’ behavior may ease up and move things along as well.

They May Be Family, But They Are Different From You. Assuming They Will Understand You Is A Foolish Mistake. The Important Thing Is To Have Respect For One Another’s Lifestyles.

It is said that blood is thicker than water. It may very well be that the bonds you share with your blood relations are stronger than the ones you have with other people.

However, the saying doesn’t mean simply because you’re related there is an automatic understanding between you and your family. Family members are still their own people, each with different personalities, tastes, values, and views, so perfect harmony is impossible. The more you strive for it, the less attainable it becomes.

The important thing to remember is your family may be kin, but they are not the same as you. You must have mutual respect for each other’s lifestyles. You must treat them with patience and acknowledge their opinions, not impose own upon them.

The worst thing you can do is dismiss someone in your family out of hand when they act in a way that doesn’t make sense to you. This tends to happen when you operate under the assumption that because you are family, you’ll always understand each other. It’s fine to offer advice — just don’t forget they are different from you.

When You Don’t Understand, Let It Go — The Secret To A Happy Marriage And Avoiding A Middle-Aged Divorce.

The rise in popularity of the phrase “middle-aged divorce” may lead one to think that as a couple’s years together accrue, their connection does not necessarily deepen.

It stands to reason that even married couples don’t understand each other perfectly. If you get each other half the time, things are likely going well.

Before entering into a relationship, each person likely spent twenty or thirty years living a completely separate life. Even when people are from the same area, or have similar family backgrounds or interests, it can be quite a challenge for couples to understand each other.

So, what can we do to connect with each other even a little bit more? If you know what the other person likes or values, or what their hobbies are, you can try to take an interest in those things.

And while you’re at it, don’t worry too much about the parts of someone that you struggle to understand — just leave them be. The trick to avoiding a middle-aged divorce is not to understand everything about your partner, but instead to find just a few additional things that you can share more deeply with each other.

Commit To Observing, Not Intervening. This Applies To Interactions With Children As Well As Subordinates.

Some parents nag and criticize, perhaps because they don’t approve of what their children do or how they behave. Likewise, some bosses needle their subordinates and issue directive after directive because they can’t stand inefficiency and disorganization.

These tendencies may stem from parental love or a protective hope for someone’s development and success, but they don’t nurture a child’s or subordinate’s ability to think and act for themselves.

If you’re like this, I understand how you feel. Your intentions may be good, but better to have patience. Try to observe silently, without making unsolicited remarks. This form of engagement will encourage your protégé’s development.

Of course, if you feel like someone is headed for trouble, or if they are endangered, it’s okay to intervene. Nudge them out of harm’s way with some gentle advice. And if they seek further guidance, frame your response with, “If it were me, I’d do this . . .” Then go back to simply observing.

Unsolicited comments — whether you’re the one making or receiving them — create stress. As elders or superiors, we should commit to observing, not intervening.

Abide By Fate. Doing So Will Make Your Life Run Smoothly.

“Fate” or “destiny” are words often associated with personal relationships, but they also relate to the minutiae of our daily lives. By allowing fate to guide our actions, we can enable our lives to run smoothly.

If something doesn’t go your way, you might say, “It wasn’t in the stars.” This could be not getting into a certain college, not getting a job at a particular company, a business deal falling through, a project being terminated, an invitation you had to decline because of a schedule conflict, a romantic prospect never managed to get to know. . . .

Isn’t it liberating to think of all of these as things that were just not meant to be? Doesn’t that ease your mind?

Similarly, to resist fate by trying to force something to happen is not a good idea. Let’s say a lucrative opportunity comes along, but you’re already committed to something else — you ought to prioritize and honor your commitment by declining the new opportunity. It’s a mistake to evaluate things based upon a simple calculation of profit and loss. Rather, you won’t go wrong if you abide by fate. Indeed, your life will follow its natural course.

Appreciate What Makes Everyone Different. Do So, And You’ll Never Be Insecure Or Arrogant.

Did you learn to compare yourself with others from an early age?

It’s understandable. All of us, for as long we can remember, have been compared with those around us — on everything from test scores to how fast we could run.

If you find yourself resorting to making comparisons, try telling yourself, “It’s not about who is better or worse — we’re just different. And it’s fascinating.”

You’ll find that you have qualities that others don’t have, and vice versa. You’ll notice interesting things about others. You’ll realize that we all have distinctive personalities, and that it’s important to make the most of them.

Once you get to that point, there’s no need to rank yourself against others and, it follows, no need to feel insecure or arrogant. Learning to enjoy our differences can help us improve our relationships.

All Of Your Choices Are The Right Ones. What Matters Is For You To Make The Most Of Them.

Life is a series of things you’ll never know unless you try. Each time you might think, “Should I do this? Or maybe I should do that? I don’t know which to choose!” But no matter how much you deliberate, it makes almost no difference.

Because there is no single right answer.

In Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, the Cheshire Cat gives Alice advice that is misquoted often misquoted as, “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”

Which is to say there’s no point worrying what is the right choice. If you’ll eventually get to where you need to be no matter which option you choose, then all that matters is that you do your best with the choice you’ve made.

Once you let go of your indecisiveness, you will feel so much more at ease and your doubts will fade away. All that will be left to think about is how best to move forward  with what you’ve decided to do. The results will follow.

Reprinted with permission from How To Let Things Go by Shunmyo Masuno and translated by Allison Markin Powell, published by Penguin Life, and imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House, LLC. Copyright © 2021 by Shunmyo Masuno. Translation copyright © 2024 by Allison Markin Powell.

Shunmyo Masuno, the head priest of a 450-year-old Zen Buddhist temple in Japan, is the author of the international bestsellers Don’t Worry and The Art of Simple Living, as well as an award-winning Zen garden designer for clients around the world. He is a professor of environmental design at one of Japan’s leading art schools and has lectured widely, including at the Harvard Graduate School of Design, Cornell University, and Brown University.

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