As Hard As It Is To Hear, Parents Need to Know

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I read an article not long ago that talked about a school system in Idaho where they banned the use of cell phones in school. (A long, long overdue move.) The article talked about how amazed the adults were that the library was suddenly checking out more books to students. These same amazed adults even went so far as to wonder, as if they were about to crack the mystery of the universe, whether reading scores on standardized tests might go up now that children were reading more.

Have we so departed from what we can see with our own eyes and know in our own hearts that we can no longer put two and two together when it comes to our children, and what it is that would actually support their intellectual growth? Are we so clueless as to not know that without a cell phone in hand, they will naturally gravitate to what they actually need?

This points to the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. That being, we’ve got an even bigger issue to contend with than what is happening to our children, and it begins and ends with the adults. As in, where have they gone?

Before I continue, please know I mean no disrespect. Being a parent is difficult; I am one. The times we are living in are overwhelming and confusing. And, yes, the deck is definitely stacked against raising children in a sane and healthy way. But, in the words of Joel Salatin, “Things are too dysfunctional to tiptoe around what is broken.”

In other words, we are long past making sure no one’s feelings get hurt when it comes to really digging into what is happening to our children. We have important work to do — work that can only be done by grown-ups willing to take full responsibility for what they are bringing to the table.

Do Parents Feel Ashamed Of Their Parenting Choices?

What is happening to our children is something insidious we do not want to talk about. It is the misplaced idea that we don’t want parents to feel bad — that we can’t be up front with grown-ups about what their job as a parent actually is, because it might make them feel bad about themselves.

The culture seems to be working really hard these days to insulate parents against their own feelings — the very feelings, by the way, that serve as guidance for what is off in a person’s life. So instead of looking a little more deeply about what is behind feeling ashamed around your choices as a parent, we encourage parents to avoid that kind of difficulty.

Parents don’t need anyone protecting them against feeling bad about themselves. They already know they are letting their kids down. They already know they should be doing something that feels too hard to do. Hence all the guilt. And the defensiveness. And the caving in to whatever their kids want. Or the culture demands.

So even though they know deep down that it’s just not good for their kids to be on screens all day long, they hide behind feelings of guilt, believing that feeling this way is actually doing something. But what their kid really needs is a parent willing to put themselves aside and do the hard thing.

Feeling Guilty Is Not A Substitute For Caring

Which is why, instead of rolling up their sleeves and getting to what needs doing, parents give themselves a pass. Because after all, they feel really, really bad. And isn’t that enough? Apparently not. Otherwise, parents would feel better based on how guilty they feel.

But they don’t, because they know deep down that all the guilt in the world does not compensate for letting your child down: To face what is difficult and find the courage and the confidence necessary to take a stand for the kids, and become the parent who can say, “No. That is not good for you. That is taking you away from friends, family and hobbies. No. Your life is far too precious than to allow it to be consumed by time-wasters, nonsense and an endless parade of violence and distorted sexuality. No. That is not good for your mind, body or soul. And it is not good for our relationship. I love you too much to say ‘yes’ to what degrades your life.”

Instead, we have coddled parents who coddle themselves. After all, we didn’t know that the technologies would do this to our children. And to us. We were caught off guard, so how could we possibly be expected to know how detrimental this all would be, given how available the devices are, and that “everyone else” is doing it, and most importantly, it gives us the break we need being the parents? How could we be expected to take care of this when we’re so used to the government and the schools stepping in and telling us what to do?

So really, who could blame us?

Your kids. If, that is, your children will even know to finally pick up their little heads up long enough out of their shell-shocked, machine-driven stupor to realize what a raw deal they got. And that’s why maybe it’s time to put down all the guilty and disempowered self-flagellation you do and claim the mantle of being the one who is in charge.

Because, after all, as the old adage goes, “If not you, then who?”

Susan McNamara is a woman who cares deeply about how we are living and treating each other and the planet. For more than thirty years she has been focused on living according to what matters most to her. Her most recent book, Remembering What Matters Most: A Call to Courage for Parents Ready to Take a Stand for Childhood in The Age of Technology is now available.

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